Torn up

hijab

I am 20 years old, and I had recently started wearing the Niqab.

I understand that I might be wearing it for the wrong reasons. The bulk of women I know wear it out of their faith. You could say that I would be wearing it out of faith as well, but not out of fear; out of understanding God has made men and women different.

Some could say that it’s for selfish reasons.

However, I am extremely thankful and grateful for the fact that my religion gave me the freedom to cover myself.  That it is a blessing when a woman covers herself.

It isn’t appreciated by most of the people in the modern Muslim communities, nor by some of my family members; afraid that I am becoming an extremist. Some would sneer and smirk, telling me that this phase wouldn’t last long. That being ‘religious’ was much harder than most youngsters thought these days. They told me that I would not last, just like many others before me.

Didn’t they realize? That it wasn’t even the outside world making it harder for me, but it was the people around me. The people I loved.

I didn’t know how to tell them the reason, without sounding vulgar and disrespectful. I had men in my family, and I did not want to put anyone in an embarrassing position. I couldn’t make myself tell them, even if I wanted to. I did not know how to explain it in a way that would be rightly understood. But I was grateful, that all they could do was give me pitiful glances or their wise advice about life, but they would never stop me or disown me from doing what was ‘islamically’ right.

That was ok and enough.

I couldn’t start explaining that the reason I decided to cover myself fully –even my face –was because I did not want to be any man’s subject in his wet dreams.

I do sometimes feel like dressing up, of course, go out without my niqab; but thinking that an unknown man would see me and put my face on one of his fantasies. Someone who I have no intention of marrying, making me the character of his sexual imaginations; makes me cringe.

So I cover myself fully.

As long as it doesn’t harm me, or anybody else for that matter, I’m ok. I’m comfortable and I am happy.

I had once spoken about it with my friends, but they would laugh and tell me that it was nice that I saw myself as a beautiful woman, but there were far more beautiful women out there and that there were many means available these days for men’s desires.

It was true, and I did know that. I might not be considered beautiful by society’s standards; but unfortunately, we also cannot read people’s minds or thoughts. My ugly could be anyone’s beautiful and anyone’s beautiful could be my ugly. I also remember reading once somewhere where a man had said if you only knew what goes through a man’s mind when they see a woman, women themselves would understand why they are told to cover – for themselves and for people around them.

However, everything was beside the point. I did it for myself, I wasn’t doing it for anyone’s approval. I did it for my heart’s peace. I understand that people do like giving out advice, teaching each other how to survive in life and pointing out their opinions in everything. Yet, what about my point of view?

Most of the times I wasn’t sure why they tried to convince me. Did they really care? Then why do they have to be harsh, with no distinct clarification. Were they trying to convince themselves, or me?

The world is confusing like that.

What I do may not always seem like the right thing to everyone, and I’m not asking for their opinions or for them to understand WHY I do it. I just want them to trust that the decisions I make must have a valid reason, and sometimes, these reasons cannot be explained. So, as long as it’s not going against my faith, for now; even if it’s just for now, I should do what feels right for me.

4 comments

  1. ‘My ugly could be anyone’s beautiful and anyone’s beautiful could be my ugly.’ I liked that 🙂 so true.

    I find it pretty interesting when it comes to exploring the minds of men when they perceive women. I always wanted to know what they might be thinking and why some men feel more comfortable with some rather than others when it comes to how they prefer their women to interact with the opposite sex. I watched Hayley’s series the other day, which, to be honest, aren’t the most respectful of series. But I was interested in seeing a non-Muslim’s perspective of revealing the body and how women in the UK really feel about it. They did a project on a small sample of men’s perception of women’s clothing and found that the men would want a short term relationship with women who wore less but would be more likely to marry or permit the woman to meet his family if she was more covered. I find that extraordinary and it’s baffling how they would probably not think about how this associates to Islamic principles.

    Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Ella, for your lovely and long reply. I love long replies, it feels like reading a letter, and I simply love letters 🙂 … Anyways, I am not familiar with the series, I will check it out. Plus, you are absolutely right, that is definitely so true and something to consider. We are grateful that you have taken your time to stop by and read our post, as well as share your views.

      Liked by 2 people

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