I don’t know what to say about 2018.
It was a passing storm. It wheezed by and I didn’t notice. It felt almost zombie like and robotic. But I always get to learn things and I guess that is a good thing; I got to re establish my place and realize who I was as a daughter, a friend , a sister , a girl and mostly who I was as a person to myself.
I am not there yet, but these valuable lessons will definitely stay with me through 2019 and impact the decisions I make from here.
Lesson 1 | A daughter’s love
This is one of the deepest and most profound thing that I have come to realize this year, about myself.
It has been a great struggle over the years, of me staying up at night wondering why I could not stand up for the things that I loved to do OR be. But all this time, I didn’t realize that in actuality, I WAS standing up for the things I loved and appreciated the most. I was sacrificing some things in order to keep and nurture that important part of my life. This year I became fully aware, that it wasn’t that I was not courageous enough to do things I wanted to do , but I was brave enough to let them go; because I didn’t think that there was anything in this world that was worth renouncing my parents’ love, respect, nurture and trust for me.
So yes, it did hit me this year; that every single time I will always give in to them. It might look like they’re always winning but the truth was, their victory was my victory. I am humble enough now to know, that I am their pride and glory. A part created from them piece by piece; in every sense.
I am because they are.
Lesson 2 | Expect from only Thyself
This one was a hard pill to swallow, but a great lesson nonetheless.
There is no one – as much as we would like to lie to ourselves – who will love or know us as much as we can ourselves. There is no one, who can know our souls inside and out; as we do; and so to expect that kind of love from people is just us being delusional like how we are about most things.
Expecting someone to understand our problems and empathize with us, is everyone’s sob story.
We all are, but a memory, to one another.
So just love, keep spreading love wherever and however you can. Listen, as much as you can. Help if you can, and if you can’t, just be a listener and let go. Sometimes there isn’t much you can do.
Just be, and expect a lot from yourself than other people. Don’t be disappointed if it’s not reciprocated, because they really don’t owe you anything. In the end of the day, there is only you that will be there for you through thick and thin. You don’t have a choice, you are stuck with yourself; so might as well make it worth your own while.
Lesson 3 | Life phases
This is one thing I kept repeating to myself over and over again.
I kept reading about it and something that I hope gets into my thick head some day and stays there permanently.
Everyone runs on a different clock, different timeline, different lanes, with different destinations in mind. What could be my ‘I-got-the-seeds-I-need-to-plant-that-tree-now’ phase, could be another person’s ‘Now-its-time –to-enjoy-the-fruits-of-the-tree-my-parents-planted’ phase.
There is just no comparison, no competition whatsoever. There never was. There never will be. It’s all in our heads.
I have learnt that I need to stick to my lane, and keep carrying these bricks and plant them one by one. I will have to keep running to find the pieces to my unfinished puzzle. It doesn’t matter what short cut everyone else used. It doesn’t matter where I’ll be reaching, I have to keep reminding myself to stop appreciate and savor these different phases that pass through my life.
Lesson 4 | The mistakes we solve
Each and every single soul in this universe makes mistakes.
Even those who say they don’t, have made the mistake of lying to themselves.
I have lived my life up until now, thinking that everyone else was perfectly imperfect. I knew they were imperfect, but just a little bit. Mostly, they were perfect. I had such high expectations of people.
It was only just my mistakes that I found to be huge and unforgivable. I was too full of myself, that I didn’t see the bullshit. I have come to really really know that we are all just crappy people.
I know it sounds stupid, but it’s true. I never truly realized how flawed we all were; and how good we were at hiding it.
So yeah, it’s inevitable as a human being not to make a mistake; but what I have really taken out of this is that, the mistakes we make don’t matter as much as how we solve them and how much we are willing to mend the broken pieces. We are not the mistakes we make, but how we choose to solve them, is what we truly are.
Lesson 5 | We all need to just slow down
The time illusion that we have in our minds is like a dog. The more we run, the more it chases us.
We are all running, trying to keep up with everyone else (we don’t even know who everyone else is). We increase our pace, trying to be faster and better.
There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. Until the exhaustion starts keeping up with you. Then you realize, you don’t even know where you’re trying to reach, and what the prize is. Nobody gave you the memo; but then you have come so far, and you have to keep running and running and running.
We all seriously need to just slow down and see that there is nothing wrong with going, or being slow. We all end up in the same destination anyways – our death beds. Might as well savor and appreciate the life we have been given.
Someone needs to write a book called ‘The art of slowing down’ – if it has not been done yet – and gift it to me. I need it very much.
I learnt a lot really! This year I mostly learnt the person that I was and how everything around me triggered the decisions I made. However, these were the five that were worth mentioning.
I would just like to say Karibu 2019 – I don’t really have high expectations – Que sera sera , and I will try to do my best and survive as I always have ; with a huge smile on my face. Always.