Hello everyone, I have decided to write about my anxiety- or atleast that’s what I think it is, well I am most likely wrong and it’s not anxiety but to hell does it feel like it, until I visit a psychiatrist I am stuck in the unknown. I don’t know what it is exactly so far but it has bouts of dreadful anxiety to it and I want to write and share as it has been long enough.
When most people hear anxiety it is inevitable to not think WORRY, OVER THINKING OR EXAGGERATION, but it is much more than worry, darker. I cannot put into words exactly the consuming feeling of anxiety but I will exclude some common misunderstandings first
Anxiety is not fake
It is not attention seeking
It is not weakness in faith
It is not exaggeration
So let’s start! Why am I suddenly writing about something though unknown? It has to do with getting better and trying to understand the why, how and when behind it.
– THE HOW –
I have experienced quite a few attacks since 2014 from my four year experience I would try to explain it as simple as I can. The panic attacks usually happens suddenly, no need for a trigger of some sort just within a few seconds your mind is drowning in thoughts that kill your sanity, but god does it last long….minutes to hours!
I find it difficult to explain so let’s imagine, imagine yourself in a normal day at work or college sitting in a room full of people everyone busy, you are paying attention or working out a project then suddenly this heavy foreign feeling runs through you, washing out any peace you had or ever knew. What is it? Why can you hear your heart beat in your ear?
Then almost immediately you become wet from sweating, your heart feels like ripping out of the chest beating faster, harder trying to outlive you, all the while you start to feel extreme fear as if you are going to die or lose control and run off as crazy. You cannot breathe so you hyper ventilate thinking you are suffocated, the thing is you have to take multiple deep breaths to calm down though you cannot because your mind tells you “you are trapped. Danger is near. This is how you die” all the information your brain is feeding you is a challenge against survival.
It goes on, the mental killing, you against your mind, the most powerful tool known to man. How does one win that battle? You succumb to the pressure and then it starts to intensify, now it is everything in your body.
Your stomach is running wild, your mouth is going dry you can barely speak words that make sense, you go silent. With a weakened body and widened eyes, a thought runs through may be it’s a heart attack? I should rush to the hospital, so you leave wherever you are if you can. A change of environment should help but that’s another lie.
And if you can gather enough strength to stand up and walk around to calm yourself you still wont because your legs are weak, you are shivering from a cold flash though its summer.
While shakinlgy standing you decide to hold a book or phone to control everything going on by getting your mind out of it such as reading an article, chatting with someone or social media scrolling but your hands are shaking, you are having tremors. So you try to sit down or chant some phrases to yourself, something religious or a reassuring phrase ‘I am fine’ but it doesn’t help.
The tense fear you feel has no base so you cannot identify it and solve, “you are alone. Something terrible is creeping in” that is all you feel, FEARFUL ANTICIPATION that YOU ARE NO LONGER.
Every passing minute feels like an hour, you start counting down minutes till sunrise or until you leave your office, “7 hours left, that’s 420 minutes I just have to survive till then, I am stronger” you lie awake on your bed, crying probably because you are lost in your mind. If you are in the plane you count down the hours till you land, it’s a daytime nightmare.
Do you know now what I am talking about? A better understanding of anxiety atleast?
These episodes happen anywhere, in a room, in the bus, on your bed at night, at your work place or just hanging out with friends, you want to run away from it, I don’t mean mentally but literally. When it happens you are chained, these ideas activate all the negative feelings in you – fear, loss of control, failure and loneliness. Anxiety isnt what you feel before the exam or a big interview, that’s worry, anxiety is dark cloud blurring your judgement while poisoning your thought process with powerful fear enough to break sanity in any man.
Anxiety consumes you of who you are, to every inch of energy you had. If you think after surviving an anxiety attack it is over, I am sorry, it just got worse. The doubt and questions of when will it come next? How will I survive this one? Should I avoid this party because I can’t escape? The apprehension of the next episode is just as real as the attack…so you change your whole lifestyle! Yeah it’s that deep, when will my next mental death be?
You become a different person, avoiding particular food, drinks, places, thoughts, people, events, you start being selective and cautious of where you spend your time, now the world calls you the awkward one, the picky one.
Thank you for reading and let me know if you want to hear more